i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize