sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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