k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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