Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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