my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
