My hand turned me down
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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