i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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