she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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