I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
