There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
