how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
