You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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