What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Barsexuality is the new black.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
