What did we do last night that was yellow?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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