I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
