Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
