Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
