remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
