Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize