Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
