and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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