It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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