if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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