Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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