I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
