Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
