do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
