zippers are such a cool invention
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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