I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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