I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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