Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
