idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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