Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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