In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
