I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
