then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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