my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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