Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
