Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
