Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
