I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
sarcasm needs its own font
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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