why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
