It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize