If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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