I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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