I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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