Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
