I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
