Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
