at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
