She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
