can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
