"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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