I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
