oh god the rape fog is back!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
