Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
