How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
